Get Over Your Gift Guilt
Health Magazine, December, 2006

"Can’t buy me love," the Beatles sang, but that doesn’t keep me from trying. Sure, I know that spending money on gifts won’t win me the love, forgiveness, attention, approval, status, or trouble-free life that I so richly deserve. But when I’m feeling guilty, needy, or insecure about a relationship (and when am I not, about one relationship or another) and the perfect present catches my eye, my credit cards start crooning, "Baby, let’s give it one more try."

At holiday time the urge to use gifts to wow, woo, wheedle, and whip people into shape shifts into overdrive. Hang the wreath, light the menorah, and you’ll find me, a stalwart fiscal conservative (read: cheapskate) scouring stores with a desperate glint in my eye and a shopping list of wrongs to right in my hand. Could this box of Belgian chocolates melt my mother’s disappointment because I forgot her last birthday? Might that extravagant paint set make me my son’s favorite person on earth? Could this hundred-dollar coffee table book convince my boss that I’m due for a raise? I might as well ride the Macy’s escalator with my holiday motto tattooed on my head: "‘Tis The Season–To Give For All The Wrong Reasons."

Apparently, I’m not alone in my mis-givings. Experts say more and more people are using presents as a substitute for presence; wrapping instead of rapping, desperately seeking high-impact gifts instead of finding (gulp) honest ways to deal with sticky situations.

When Giving Is Taking

But how can a giver such as myself tell the difference between giving that’s born of true generosity (Good Giving), and giving that’s sparked by less pure motives (Not So Good)?

"When you’ve hurt someone in some way and you’re buying a gift to make up for it," says Dr. Gail Saltz, a psychoanalyst with The New York Psychoanalytic Institute who appears regularly on NBC’s Today Show, "that should be your first clue that you’re buying out of guilt, not love."

It’s tricky, Saltz says, to distinguish selfless from self-serving giving, since there’s often an overlap between the two. You can prove it by me. I really do want to give my mother a box of chocolates she’ll savor–almost as much as I want her to grant me absolution for my sins. I really do want my son to have the very best art supplies–maybe even more than I want to be reassured that I’m a good mom.

"Do a gut-check," Dr. Saltz advises. "Ask yourself who and what this gift is really for. Am I trying to appease someone, or increase my status in a family or workplace pecking order? If I really want to give to someone, is this the best way to do it?" The best clue, she says, is how the giving makes the giver feel. Feeling relaxed and loving is a sign of generous giving. Feeling anxious and disappointed ("What if the chocolates don’t make my mother forgive me?" "I spent all that money, and my son still hasn’t nominated me for Mother Of The Year") are the handprints of generosity’s evil twin.

A Guilt-Edged Sword

Dr. Olivia Mellan is a Washington, DC psychotherapist and former over-spender who specializes in money conflict resolution. In her practice she sees all kinds of guilt-givers: parents compensating for mistakes they feel they’ve made with their kids (ahem); adult children still trying to earn their own parents’ approval (ouch); siblings, friends, and co-workers trying to impress or one-up each other (moi? Never). "Compulsive gift-givers have an itch," Mellan says. "The trick is to find ways to scratch it more directly."

From Guilt-Giving to Generosity

I consider my mother, and my itch, and the chocolates. Which would she rather have, I muse: yet another apology, or twenty bucks’ worth of the highest cacao-count money can buy? Dr. Mellan weighs in. "If apologizing hasn’t resolved a situation," she says, "instead of buying a gift, consider having a candid conversation, or spending time with the person, or cooking them a meal. The cure for misguided giving is to express your feelings in a clear, above-board way."

Sounds doable–and scary. If I’m going to start giving from the heart, I’ll need some positive reinforcement. Maybe a small box of Belgian chocolates will do the trick.SidebarGive Up Guilty Giving!

Are you a Good Giver, or a Guilty Giver? Ask yourself these questions, then check out Dr. Olivia Mellan and Dr. Gail Saltz’s advice.

Do I buy gifts for other people because I have to, or because I want to?

Some occasions–a child’s birthday; a dear friend’s wedding–require gift-buying. Some obligatory purchases are motivated by darker forces. Before you shop, do a gut-check. Make sure you know where the urge to buy a gift is coming from.

Do I feel anxious about how much my gift will please my giftee?

Being delighted that you’ve stumbled upon the perfect gift is a sign of generosity. Scanning the receiver’s face nervously as she opens your gift says you’re hoping the gift will heal a rift or raise your stature in her eyes. Before you buy, ask yourself what you hope giving the gift will accomplish, and whether a gift can actually accomplish it.

Am I buying a gift to make up for a slight, or as a way to apologize for something I’ve done?

"A lot of people believe that money is love," Dr. Mellon says, "so they buy gifts to make up for not giving enough emotionally. It doesn’t work." If you owe an apology, make it. If there’s something you need to say, say it.

Am I buying a gift instead of spending time with the person I’m buying it for?

What’s keeping you from making a priority of spending time with a loved one? Cooking dinner, babysitting, or an "IOU" for an evening out will build the kind of closeness money can’t buy.

What’s a reasonable amount to spend, based on my budget and my relationship with this person? Do I feel compelled to spend more to prove how much I care?

Overspending is an indicator that something other than generosity is at play. Set a price limit–and take a friend along to help you stick to it.

Am I buying an expensive gift to impress the recipient?

Instead of spending a lot of money on someone you’re trying to impress, spend some time thinking about what would make you more impressed with yourself.